I woke up this morning with a feeling of contentment. My dreams had been uplifting and reassuring. For once I was the winner in them. I wasn't running away, I wasn't failing at something. I was achieving, with ease and confidence.
It made me think. Why was it such a surprise to have dreams like that? Why had I never had any dreams like that in my life before? Why do I have such low self-esteem (without even realising it. I generally thought my self-esteem was quite healthy but lately I've realised just how low it has been all my life) and why do I constantly self-sabotage? Is it something my dad unwittingly taught me? What has happened now to begin changing that? And how can I encourage it?

"Mmmm, tastes like heaven... just like it says on the tub!"
Jessup puts the margarine back, mixing it with the generic brand. He mindlessly grazes his finger along the neon light inside of the freezer as he walks back and forth a few paces.
"What is it I want?"
Jessup's mom sent him to pick up cream cheese, but--MIND FART!--he can't think for the life of him what that is.
"Is it the clumpy, sticky soup that I eat for breakfast?"
Jessup takes his finger out of the freezer and wipes a gnat onto his corduroys and continues pacing. He'd narrowed it down to this area—the spreads.
"No, no, the breakfast soup is something else. But, then, what is the breakfast soup?"
Jessup reopens the tub of margarine to think. Taking in a strong whiff, Jessup is shocked and drops the margarine on the floor. He gasps with his fingertips at his cheeks, and his pupils tuck and hide as his eyes widen in front of the spreads display. He smiles.
"Cottage cheese!"
Jessup runs down the aisle and, over shooting the dairy display into the breakfast juices, he kicks his sneakers in the other direction and doesn’t stop until he sees his reflection in the glass freezer door.
"But what did Mom want?"
Jessup fills his cheeks with air and blows it all out like Mr. Winter onto the door. He giggles while the condensation clears.
“Milk!”
Jumping slightly off of his feet, he high-fives his reflection and opens the door, grabs a gallon of milk and walks to the front of the store.
"Mmmmmom! Mmmmmilk!"
She looks up from her shopping list to see Jessup tripping down the aisle without her cream cheese. Hair falls over her eyes as she looks down.
“Mmmm… tastes like heaven!” Jessup says.
His cold fingers hurt from grasping the line of plastic inside the handle of the milk carton. It’s too heavy, and he lets it go. The carton breaks along the line that continues from the handle, and milk pushes dust bunnies away as it falls out of the broken carton.
A laugh escapes Jessup’s mom’s mouth like a gull’s caw. She turns her back to Jessup, looks briefly to the air, and pushes the cart away from Jessup and the mess. Jessup jumps in the puddle of milk and runs away, cawing to any fellow seagulls in the store.

The grass on the plot is taking over. The dogs are getting lost in it and all you see is their heads bouncing up and down through it every now and then. We can't get the mower fixed bcs everywhere that repairs it is closed until the 5th. By then this place will be a jungle.
So paul decided to enlist the help of our local fauna and let the horses run wild in the garden to help tame the grass. Of course, they only eat the shorter grass (and some of the flowers and veggie patch) but it at least it will make the foliage less dense when it comes to finally mowing it.
We've discovered that horses like eating dog food as well as veggie patches. So now there's all sorts of make-shift horse-proofing.
Lucien, who is still as trusting as a boy who hasn't yet had his heart broken (bcs he's too young to have been ridden just yet) followed me into the climbing gym yesterday. Which alarmed some of the customers but it was easily rectified at least. But imagine going climbing and a horse walks in.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaack from the funeral.

Lots of conversation not worth having. All conversation not worth having, actually, with two exceptions:
any with Aunt Gloria, the true hero of the hour
and the one with the kid who doesn't like reading because it's too hard
Really, it was nice to be with the family. And I'm very glad I got to see Uncle Don. The funeral was wonderful. The company was dear and the atmosphere very loving. But the conversation--when it was AND wasn't happening--gave me such a headache and dismal soul.

On the way there I couldn't shake the feeling that my family hated me.
On the way back I couldn't shake the feeling that I hated my family.
In both cases, though, I felt my soul sucked out of me and put on display, naked, where I didn't want it to be seen.

I'm almost done with Crime and Punishment and can soon start a new book. One to read over the New Year. IN BOSTON!


YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!



I almost forgot--I'm going to Boston for New Years with Courtney to see Arthur.
My dad's coming a day later and we'll meet with the family for an extended lunch or something. (See---I still love my family)
It's gonna be so cool. I've decided to fly in early and wander the cold ass city. I've got two goals.... three, really:

1. get covered in sperm
2. walk alone in the museum of fine arts in Boston
3. good will hunt in Havard Square





The other goals are hanging with Arthur and Courtney.

Q: What do they call Arthur and Courtney in the bathroom in France?
A: AC/WC

Wassail, you lot! I'm late to wish you all non-denominational Christmas cheer and such like, but I have the good excuse of having spent the last week or so internetless while trudging around the wilds of the Southern Alps searching for Hobbits and generally making a nuisance of myself. My (extended) Christmas has involved:

*boysenberry cider (and let me tell you, that shit is tasty)
*abandoned gold-mining towns
*snow (quiescent) and hail (not so much)
*wading through glacial rivers
*parakeets, possums, hares and more frogs than you can shake a stick at
*watching the last of the light fade from the mountains on Midsummer's Eve while sitting in a hot tub made out of an actual tub
*Midsummer's day in actualfax Paradise
*rogue cattle
*stalling my friend's car on a steep hill and a blind bend with a fuck-off huge orange bus about a foot behind me eep
*spending Christmas Eve driving 450 km in 30 degree heat, arguing loudly (and possibly somewhat drunkenly) about whether or not Aramis was a Jesuit, and then sneaking in to an awesome punk gig without paying (and without shoes)
*Christmas Day of gemstone hunting on the beach, swimming and touristing, followed by evensong in Christchurch cathedral and Christmas Dinner of Greek Salad, chips and a pint of dark beer outside a Shakespeare-themed pub
*visiting Dimrill Dale, Isengard, Lothlórien, the Ford of Bruinen, Ithilien and probably some other geektastic places I'm forgetting
*MOUNTAINS, Gandalf!

I will be posting pictures as soon as I can get my [redacted due to obscenity laws] laptop to talk to my camera. In the meantime, I hope you all had lovely, lovely Christmases, even if, like me, you were far away from most of the people you love. ♥♥

PS All you folks in the UK who have snow -- I waited for a white Christmas for twenty-eight years and as soon as I turn my back for five minutes, you all go off and have one without me? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!

When paul plays his drums I make sure I'm paying attention. There will be a quizz later. He doesn't ask me to listen, but almost always he'll ask me sometime later in the day "did you hear when I [insert drumming lingo here]?". And I'll try to respond with something semi-intelligent (on a drumming level at least) to show that I was paying attention.
It's something that most couples do. "did you see/hear when I....[insert amazing feat you performed]". And your partner's response is a measure of how much attention they were paying to you. It's like a subtle love-o-meter.

Skullgirls is an extremely cool looking game with art from o_8 . When o_8 did a sketch dump in his livejournal the stuff looked so awesome I just HAD to draw something.

So I drew a reinterpretation of Squigly! Expect more skullgirls in the future from me cause the character designs are awesome, and check out more at www.skullgirls.com/

My poop smells like a delicious sandwich.



My Uncle Don is to die tomorrow. No funeral arrangements yet because of the holiday season. I assured Mallorie that she could pass on the message that the Huberdeaus in Virginia will certainly schedule their holidays around Uncle Don. Also, no funeral arrangements because Don is not yet passed. He's on life support and they are removing it tomorrow.
The blessing, though, is this: The family is going to be together for the Christmas season. I find no better way to celebrate good will to humankind than to gather an entire family up--which would not have happened otherwise--and celebrate the life of one of them.

I've underestimated Uncle Don. I never thought of his positivity, but as I think of who he's been and who I am, I realize that if I would have known him better, I would have found something important. He was a joker, but never cynical. He used the cynical jokes, but never for cynical purposes. That's something damn special in a person. That's a damn special person.
What I actually remember is a dentist--a good dentist. The dentist I had after Uncle Don filled 12 cavities after the first visit to the new office.
I also remember that he was more broken up at my grandma's funeral than anyone else.
When he and I were accessible to each other, I was too young to appriciate what I appriciate now, and I had never thought to appreciate these things until a few minutes ago.

If there are hands, he is in good ones.



I saw It's A Wonderful Life for the first time yesterday. I saw it at the Naro Theatre with Kate and I cried the entire way through. I kind of resented Kate because I didn't want to cry in front of her. I wanted to cry though. I wanted to ball in front of everyone so everyone would notice. But not in front of Kate because Kate would do something that would make me feel better. I didn't want that. I thought the whole way through, "When does he fail?" And I thought the whole way through how I want to fail. I conjured up the thoughts I think. I wanted to stop doing anything good ever. I only wanted to do bad things. I wanted to do it slowly until everybody hated me, and I could truly go without embarrassment. And at the end, the note said, "No man is a failure who has friends." And now it is my profile picture!

I think of the holidays as a time when I'm at risk. Statistically and probably. Don't feel so bad now, but at a funeral? During the holidays? It beseeks disaster.
But Uncle Don's death with make ever more clear that mine would be a burden greater than the burden I perceive myself to be now. I will resent my family and my friends for loving me, for tying me to life. I stay here for them, you--not for me.



There are some things I'm nervous about. That could make me the shame I want to be so badly.

OMG AVATAR WAS ACTUALLY REALLY QUITE AMAZING. ( YES, YES IT WAS. )

Jack and I are going to go see it again in 2-D, so he can properly judge the visual effects, since his eyes never adjusted for 2 hours and 30 minutes, poor dude. I'm just going so I can see it again, because PEOPLE. IT WAS THAT GOOD.

In other news, I am flying home tomorrow, and I'm not taking my computer with me, and I can't imagine that I'm going to spend any time on the computer between now and when I get back to OKC on Saturday, so HAPPY CHRISTMAS NOW, FLIST. And happy DAY OFF OF WORK to everyone else. Unless you work in a movie theater, and then I'm sorry. :(

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Cool schedule before I leave for home.

Tonight I'm going to see Christmas lights with Alonzo and possibly his cousin and his sister as well.
Then I'm going to try to have some people over to watch Merry Christmas Charlie Brown!
I also want to say Merry Christmas to the neighbors by having a few beers with them.

Right now I'm going to organize myself with Christmas presents.
I'm making a wreath for my mom and dad.
I'm making a really cool card for Kate along with a record-bowl with fruit in it. I'm trying to see if I can get some of that candy fruit somewhere round this joint.

Tomorrow Kate and I are going ice skating and then to see It's a Beautiful Life (which will be my first time).

Hopefully I'll also get to finish my library book before it's due in a day or two.



I also can't forget to pick up my prescrips tomorrow morning.



I'm going to take some time to write some stories for contests that are deadlined at the end of the month. There's the short shorts for River Styx and the short fiction for Columbia.
I've got some stuff started. It's unlikely anything will come of it. It takes a lot of time to finish a story good and proper. You need months inbetween edits and stuff. Or at least I like to have that.

Speaking of, I'm taking a creative writing course next semester that has nothing to do with anything. It's just so I can get insurance from my pop's work. It's like an extra something something, but that's cheaper than something something per month, ya know?



Sam Vee came over to Kate and my Christmas pot-luck. We just ate popcorn and Christmas nuts. Drank some Irish coffee and Egg Nog.
Kate got me a remote control for Christmas :) I'm kind of glad because I've put off her present for the last minute, and this isn't really all that much of a brilliant present. I usually like to put more thought into this stuff. But Kate's kind of a holiday-hater, not that I can really blame her or any other holiday-haters, but whatevs.



I can't wait to get back and chill with Brenton and with Charlanne. And Bobby! And Emily! Yes, yes, who else from WM is in NOVA? Cookie! Thom!

Should be great as hell.



I got an A in Philosophic Foundations of Education. The only comment on my last paper was, "Fucking Brilliant!" :)
So that kicks a lot of ass. That's my fav prof. He's such a cool dude, and I'm glad he's such a big authority on education. Or at least used to be. He's kind of in the background being so old. And I'm really happy he likes me.



I really hope the snow's still around in Woodbridge when I get back. I don't know why everyone's bitchin'. Do as we used to: Walk to Giant.
I also NEEEEED to hit up the marina to see if it's frozen over and play on it.



Guess that's it for now.
<3

This congestion in my nose is KILLING ME. Seriously. It came on without warning. I can't taste food. The decongestants I take are seriously LIKE CRACK and keep me up all night so I'm tired during the day, even when I've taken them in the morning and should, you know, be all hyper and crazy and shit. I'm a MOUTH BREATHER, and my throat feels like fire. Plus, my nose is all cracky, bleedy, and peely from the number of times I've had to blow my nose in the past three days.

OH MY GOD, SINUSES. YOU ARE ANGRY. I GET THAT. LET'S HAVE A SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS THIS LIKE REASONABLE ADULTS, SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO BEING NORMAL, K?

BOO, YOU WHORES.

Also, I'm nearing the end of week two, beginning week three of my fucking period, AGAIN. What the fuck is wrong with my uterus? Why does it not know how to say no? I got all kinds of stupid tests done last time to try to answer this question, and the only answer seemed to be "because it feels like it." Thankfully, THANK THE DEAR LORD JESUS, the doctor I saw before is on my new insurance, so I can go back to her and get birth control again. Birth control makes me slightly insane, but it's better than this. Way, way better than this.

In closing, I have two videos that have made all of this bearable.

The first, Turk and JD singing about their guy love on Scrubs. Apparently everyone I know in fandom has seen this already, but I hadn't. I'm watching Scrubs all the way through though, and just finished season six. So enjoy that. Again. :p



The second is Straight No Chaser singing their version of the twelve days of Christmas, which, if you have not seen it, is freaking MAGICAL, okay? You just have to see it. AWESOME.

So, could thirteenfluidoz, spafoom, toukie, teachertam, noirbabalon, amazonziti, jane_eyre and sams1ra confirm whether or not they received coupons? Becuase I tried to send them, but LJ still seems to think I have nine left...

I've got ten $10 coupons for paid LJ time to give away. You can only use them to upgrade a Basic or Plus account, not to renew a Paid account, and you can only use them to buy a year's paid time, so it'll still cost you $10-$15 US. But if anyone wants one anyway, comment here or PM me! Fastest finger first...

ETA: OK, all gone! Have a great Christmas, you guys!

You scullion! You rampallion! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

--Sir John Falstaff, Henry IV Part Two, Act II, Scene I

Another urban fantasy portfolio piece. This is a Geist. A spirit that feeds of negative emotions. Each Geist is different and will grow more powerful off of different emotions.

It had been so long since I'd even gone to look at any of my websites that I didn't notice my domain hosting had expired. So. Uh. If you'd gone to look at happierendings or booknerds since yesterday at noon and found them down, they are back up. If you didn't notice, well, nothing happened, everything is fine.

But hey! I updated booknerdsrus with a write up of my five favorite books and my over long and effusive write up of Generation Kill. It's only 'cause Evan Wright is one of my friends on goodreads, and a little ass kissing never hurt anybody.

In other news, my sinuses have turned me into a filthy mouth breather, and I am not happy with them.