My Personal Hell

naddine @ 2009-09-23T11:45:00

2009-09-23T01:45:27Z

I live with the room mates from hell. To be honest, when I moved away from home for the first time earlier this year i thought, rather naively, that everything would be a amazing and fun. It's my first year of uni and i am freeeeeeeee from my parents rules and restirctions. Heaven right? Or so i thought.

I live in a shared apartment on campus, with two other girls and boys.

For the girls lets call them Leah and Sally. Although easy and man voice would be more appropriate.
And for the boys, well they can be David and Brian. Although they wont be featured much i must warn you.

I think though, that now would be a good time to introduce you to the characters of my hell.

We will start with Sally (aka man voice). Sally and i went to highschool together, and thought it would be fun if we were to live together in uni. Stupid stupid stupid stupid me. Sally is a girl... but you would not think so. She loves sport, particurlarly NRL. Loves beer. Loves being loud and obnoxious and even has a manly annoying voice... she even kind of looks like a man. She also likes to scream loudly for no apparent reason in the middle of the night, bring boys home and lie with them in bed and 'just talk' all night. Although she makes no effort in concealing the moans. Actually she's loud and obnoxious in sex too. She's also extremely lazy and will do nothing for herself... in fact her little minion Leah (aka easy) happily picks up after her, cooks for her, changes her clothes to what Sally prefers, will vacuum Sally's room for her and basically bow down and worship the she-devil. This is because Leah has no personality.

Leah hangs out with people who have very dominating personalities, and bows to thier wishes because she is incapable of thinking for herself. She used to bring a different guy home pretty much every day ending with a y... even though she claimed to be a 'christian'. So she's basically a liar and a slut :) I mean do whatever in your own time and at your own place, not in an apartment you share with 4 other people who have to listen to you all night. But now she has a boyfriend. Lets call him Jerk-off. They've been together for what a month and she is already picking out wedding dresses. Dumbass. Well Jerk-off and Sally would be a perfect couple i reckon. They are both as stupid and annoying as eachother. Actually im surprised Leah isnt sharing him with Sally, i mean would do anything anyone asks her. But shock horror... guess who is having sex right now.

Jerk-off is pretty much just a JERK who needs to FUCK OFF. He pretty much lives with Leah in her single bed. He comes back drunk and starts banging on doors and windows at 3am with the sole purpose of waking everyone else in the apartment up. He has even threatened me for telling him to shut the hell up on one of these escapades. I mean what kind of fuck-face does that? Who threatens girls? He thinks he owns the world, and this apartmen which he doesnt even live at. And Leah is too much of a pushover to tell him that he has no right to treat people like that. He walks all over her and she's like "Yes Jerk-off! More!".

Then there is David and Brian. And like i said there isnt much to say about them.

David is pretty much one of the very rare friends i have here. Thats just because we are the only two relatively normal people in this field of battle though.

And Brian. Well there is nothing to say about Brian because he does not talk. He grunts. When he walks in the room you say "hello" and he grunts back at you. And that is your monthly communication with Brian.

Now that you've met the characters, keep coming back for the stories about my room mates from hell.

13 Years

2008-09-25T11:25:03Z

HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE!

Major Works over --- 8000 words of a pointless story line, wait isnt that called literature?
And did i mention?

I GRADUATED!

Life is good.

beginning 2.

2008-04-04T08:37:35Z

Her father says she’ll change the world someday, but the implied message was only in the ways he approves of. It was only perfectly acceptable if it left her the topic of much vanity, a conversation starter at least. “My daughter is the best lawyer in the country. She worked on that case with the man and the gun, the one that has been in the papers and on TV”. Fighting poverty in Africa would never be enough; she could only change the world if it made her rich. “With money comes happiness”. With an endless streak of paranoia he tells her, “They only teach you different because they want it all to themselves”. The money that is.

“What is it you want to do?” he asks her. The hidden meaning was always clear, the tone implied the same thing every time, “What is it you want to do that will make me proud, that will earn me paying for tuition?” She wants to be an interior designer; he thinks it’s not good enough. She wants to be a missionary; he won’t let her go. She wants to leave; he makes her stay.

Though yet he still has the vintage bottle of alcohol hidden away, the one that will only by opened at her wedding reception. She knows he loves her, he just doesn’t understand.

.............

“Now I ask you all in perfect seriousness, what are you doing? What do you really want?” The professor leans over the lecture stand, daring them to question their smug selves, their sad selves, their lost selves. “What is your purpose?” They stare back, are they too young to comprehend, or too stupid? “Ella, where are you? Clearly you are not paying attention, or maybe you are considering what I say in depth. I choose to believe the second, so Ella answer this, why are you here, what are you hoping to achieve?”

Ella was shaken out of her day dreams and back into her lecture room, “Um... what?”

“Yes, we all know how much you hate being the centre of attention, that is quite clear by the way you position yourself in this room and your input into these discussions. In fact I question how much you even want to be here. So if you don’t want to be here. Why are you?” The sarcasm and pure honesty both resonated from his voice, the way all ‘elders of the community’ seem to be able to do. Ella often wondered if it’s something you acquire with age, the ability to easily intimidate those around you.

Or maybe it’s a gift they were all born with.

The students start to pack up as the lecturer looks at the time. “By the beginning of next lecture I want a 2000 word proposal if you like to call it, of what you all hope to achieve by attending this class”.

I shake my notepad into my bag and as I stand up I swear he is staring straight at me when he says, “And I do not want the pre rehearsed answers you have told your parents since you were five, or rather the pre rehearsed answers they have told you. I want to know what you want”.

.............

Beginning

2008-04-03T10:49:38Z

Do you see her over there? She's the girl with the memories. The ones we can't let go. The ones she brings.

The days we can’t get out of bed.

The days we stop believing.

The days your world doesn’t just stop spinning, the day it stops existing.

She carries them on her shoulders, waiting to pass them on

.............

Hers is not an epic story. Hers is not an endless love. Her story is surviving, and that’s enough

.............

Twirling around the floorboards, she slips. Isn’t that how it all starts? A fall. A lost love. A lost innocence. A lost child. A lost parent.

But loss, do I know real loss, have I felt that loss? Still in my protected innocence, the curiosity of me questions, what does it feel like? What would I feel like?

I’ve seen the pain in the eyes of my friends. Heard their stories, heartbreaks and doubts, but my pain was never an ultimate finality, does that make it any less relevant?

When does it start?

When does it end?

What makes it valid?

Who decides?

A slash that leaves scars?

The blood from a mouth?

The misused pills?

The memories we choose to forget?

The past that has shaped us,

Our own ways of dealing,

The forgotten reasons,

Does that make her a fake?

Twirling around the floorboards, she slips. “Get up,” her mother says, ignoring her forming bruises, “See what happens when you act like an idiot? You should have listened to me”. But is she right?

.......................................................................................................................

Epilogue

“Her father says she’ll change the world someday...

but only in the ways he approves of”

The beginning or the end? All ends are new beginnings, the start of something else.

She will continue to live and continue to change

That will never end.

The End

2008-03-29T08:12:46Z

“Jimmy, please come back.” I can hear her whispering; but I can’t. I don’t know how to.

Some people can travel through their lives with this constant positivity; those glass half full people. I don’t understand how they do it. It seems so superficial. I tried for the longest time, to be one of those people but I overestimated how far I could go until positivity was unattainable. There is a certain point where everyone breaks and I had pushed it too far.

“Jimmy, I miss you.” She continued. No you don’t, how could you? Please just leave. I want her to go but I can’t say it. I can’t tell her I am okay and that she needs to leave. I cant tell her; I cant open my mouth; I cant open my eyes; I cant move. Even if I could I wouldn’t know what to say. How do you explain that to someone? How can I justify what I did? I never thought I would have to.

I suppose you want to know how I got here. I’ll try to explain but I cant be sure you will understand.

I had come home late that night to hear my girlfriend crying. ‘Oh God, I am an hour late and she has a mental breakdown’. I walked towards the room and saw her standing by the window. Seeing the lights off and her alone, I was already worried for what may have happened. Whispering, to her I asked, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

She stiffened and turned towards me, ‘What have I done this time?’ I sighed. “I’m sorry Jimmy. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“This! You, me, us... come on we both know it isn’t working.”

I stared at her, unable to speak and placed my hand in my pocket. The ring I had just picked up was still cold. Holding it, it seemed to burn my hand.

“What, did you think it wouldn’t come to this? Don’t pretend you care. You come home at all hours in the night, you barely even see me when I am standing in front of you. Even tonight, it is my birthday and you cant even make it home in time for our reservations!” She spat at me.

I took the ring out of my pocket and placed it on the table and left. I knew that she had seen the ring when I heard her come running after me, but it was too late. She had made her choice. I stepped into my car and drove off, with the intention of never going back.

How could I have been so stupid to think that she would stay with me, marry me? What reason would she have for doing so? It’s not as if I am worth anything I bitterly told myself.

A month later I returned, to find that I had already been replaced. Its moments like those that you can truly feel relieved knowing things didn’t work out as you had imagined. I has driven back to pick up my belongings, to find someone else already sitting on my couch. When I arrived, she didn’t even glance my way. My things were already boxed and hidden in unused rooms.

As I was taking the last of the boxes out, she came and handed me back the ring.

“Don’t pretend you were completely innocent,” she said before carrying out the last of the boxes. She was nearly at the ute, when she dropped the box she was carrying.

The sound of smashing cases echoed while I yelled at her, “What the hell are you doing!”

“Don’t yell at me!”

“Well if you couldn’t have carried it you shouldn’t have taken it!”

“Oh shut up! I was just helping!”

“I don’t want your help! I thought that was established when I left!”

“No, it wasn’t, because you just left!”

“You’re the one who said you didn’t want to be with me!”

This argument was becoming too contentious for me but I couldn’t stop yelling. She was hurt and I was angry; both of us kept trying to yell over each other.

“I’m sorry if I couldn’t take not being your only one!”

“What?” I asked, stunned.

“Oh don’t what me, we both know you weren’t exactly faithful”

“I was nothing but faithful!”

“That’s not what my friends saw.”

“Your friends have always hated me!”

Her face started to crumple in pain but I just picked up the fallen box and dumped it into the ute. I turned around and she was doubled over.

“Oh what now?” I mocked her, “You always were too damn dramatic”. I got back into the car and reversed away, leaving her shaking on the driveway.

I turned and was about to start driving off when I saw her collapse onto the driveway. ‘Oh God, No! Something’s really wrong.’ I opened my door and ran to her. She wasn’t moving at all and had gone limp. I picked her up and put her in the car, and drove her to the hospital. I cant even remember breathing during that time.

The doctor had said that there was nothing they could do, it was too late.

“What do you mean? She’s alright isn’t she?” I had asked.

“Yes she is going to be alright, but I’m afraid the baby didn’t make it.”

‘Baby? What baby?’ “Can I see her?”

“Yes of course, she is free to leave later tonight after we get some tests...”

She stared at me as I walked into the room, “What baby?” I asked her. She looked away so I continued quietly, “Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

You were leaving anyway; I didn’t want to make you stay”

I started to shake, sorry for everything I had done, “I was going to leave you. You were on the ground in pain and I was just going to drive away”

“It’s okay. It wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.” She said it with the best of intentions, but I could tell she was more trying to make herself believe that that was true.

“It’s my fault. If I hadn’t been so selfish” I continued while she whispered, “I forgive you”.

“I could have got you here sooner then, this might not have happened. I shouldn’t have yelled at you”.

“Jimmy, I forgive you”.

“I’m sorry” I said quietly, before leaving the hospital.

Driving back home I could barely think of anything but what I had done. ‘How could she say she forgave me so easily?’ Headlights shined in my eyes but it seemed as if I couldn’t even see them. ‘What kind of person does that? She’s lucky you’re not in her life anymore’.

“SHUT UP!” I yelled, but no one could hear me.

‘She’s lucky you’re not in her life...’

Cars drove past and people walked by. The blur of all the movement wasn’t even half as confusing as my thoughts. I drove through red lights and intersections; I just needed to get away.

Finally getting out of the city I found myself driving along a road with no light other than my cars’ own. I turned the CD player on to try and distract my thoughts, but it only seemed to fuel them.

‘You don’t deserve to live’. It echoed in my head until I could have truly believed it was the only thought I had ever had.

I watched the approaching bridge get bigger.

‘You don’t deserve to live’.

The speakers started to sing to her for me as I convinced myself she would be better off without me.

‘You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do’

The last lines repeated in my head, ‘I can’t hold her back anymore; she’s better off without me’.

I watched the bridge get closer; I watched the wooden bars running across the sides. ‘You don’t deserve to live,’ I thought as I closed my eyes and swerved the car off the bridge.

I never thought I would have to explain that to her, but here I am, lying in a hospital bed and hearing her ask me to come back. “Jimmy, I love you” she says.

I move my head a little and whisper, “No, you can’t”.

“Oh Jimmy! You’re okay! Nurse, he is awake!”

“You can’t love me.” I repeat.

“But Jimmy I do.”

“No, you’re better off without me.” I continue whispering. I can hardly get the sound out I husts so much.

“No, I’m not” she says softly.

“Look at what I’ve done, how can you say that and not be lying?”

“I’m not lying. I love you. I forgave you. I forgive you.” She pleads slowly.

“But I can’t.” I explain.

She stares at me, her mouth agape; I close my eyes and bury my head back into the pillow.

“Jimmy, will you marry me?”

“What?” I say, “You deserve better than me. That wouldn’t fix anything; it won’t change anything”.

“No, but it’s a start,” she calmly says.

“I...” I begin to stammer. She pulls out the ring from her pocket and hands it to me.

“They found it in the car. Please say yes”

“No,” I say. ‘I’m going to at least do this right’ I think while taking her hand. “Will you marry me?” I ask while finally sliding the ring onto her finger.

DREAMING

2007-05-28T08:11:52Z

I had my own dreams built strong within me;

The dreams of my future
I just kept building on them until i had planned my life
I thougt it was strong enough to keep me standing tall
But as soon as you saw them they fell like the autumn leaves drifting from the tree surrounding me

The dream of being your one
I thought i was happy being your friend, the one that helped you stand
I even built your relationship with you, hiding the pain that was stabbing me
But as soon as you saw another life you left me like the stars on a moonless night, i was another in a million and you were never coming back

The dream of a perfect friend
I wished upon every star, the sun, the moon and the sky
That i would have a friend, from now until the end
But as soon as you saw that you showed me that a perfect world doesn't exist, its all just a riot in the street, a war in our heads, and we are the warriors fighting eachother

The dream of life after you
A life where you would leave my thoughts
You called it wishful thinking, i called it moving on
As soon as you saw me pushing you away, you left me too, but i was like pinnochios other half, telling you everything except the truth

The dream of being the best that i could
I dream of running and laughing and living, a dream that i never followed through
That dream is still within me burning stronger than before
But as soon as you saw it you restricted it, hid it like a dirty secret belonging in the black of the ocean or the depths of the universe. so dark that you couldnt see it anymore

The dream of living
Of finding a life that i loved
A life where i lived, or at least got the chance to, a life filled of lives i love
But with each day that closes, with each chapter shut, im losing my life and losing that love
Like im drowning in these secrets, sinking away from the air that i need so much, the air that i need to live in.
Sinking away from reality and the life that i want to live

Never the Same Again

2007-04-02T09:32:37Z

I watched the girl walk towards the door, the awkwardness silenced the room. We stared and she squirmed as we saw the hope disappear from her face. She looked at me and I unconsciously held my breath. She seemed to drift far off and get lost in her thoughts. Just the way she isolated herself made everyone else feel isolated as well. She held her breath as I watched her build invisible walls that blocked us from her. She shut us out before she even knew us. Looking back, I think we did the same to her.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was my first day at a new school and my head was running a hundred laps a second. Each thought was trying to overtake the other. This was my fresh start. This time I could be myself, let the world see what I was really made of. I could be all that I wanted to be, could do whatever I wanted to do, and live however I wanted to. I was so excited because I finally got what I had been waiting all my life for, a second chance. I was a woman on a mission to live, not just exist, and I was invincible, indestructible. Things were never going to be the same again.

I finally found the room I was looking for, after only 20 minutes of searching. I reached for the doorknob and turned it only slightly before I suddenly developed the urge to run far away. Think of it as first day of school ‘stage fright’. You’re been stupid, I reasoned with myself, just turn the doorknob, so I did. I turned the knob and swung the door open to see nearly 30 faces scanning me, judging me, summing me up before they even knew me. I gave up on my idea of a fresh start, who was I kidding? These people would never see me; they would only see what they wanted to. I was right; things were never going to be the same again, though it wouldn’t be how I wanted it to be either

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

That morning, paper aeroplanes were flying among the kids who were sitting on the desks. There were discussions happening across the class room about the parties on the weekend. They started finding it hard to hear each other over the other conversations in the classroom, so instead of moving closer, they started talking louder. I sighed as I thought I can’t even control my own class, what kind of teacher am I?

The door creaked open and the whole class stopped mid-sentence to turn to face the door. I welcomed her with a warm smile, after all things were never going to be the same for her again, she should at least feel encouraged. Her eyes moved from me to the class and I saw hope extinguished from her eyes. I slowly turned towards the class to see what it was that upset her and my stomach twisted as I saw and I saw the whole class watching her, staring her down. So much for a friendly welcoming, I thought as I watched her realise that things were never going to be the same for her again, though that didn’t mean they would be better.